Why, I know you wonder, am I accumulating things? Synthesizers, amplifiers, I know how well aware you are that my strongest instrument is my voice and that I happily compose with a guitar. The truth is that I've missed fun machines. I forgot why I got back into computers. A computer isn't even the heart of my studio anymore, CPUs are so commoditized and specialized now. Yes, it's all digital in one way or another. No, the same kind of tool I'm using to write for you now is not what I create noise, difference tones and interference patterns with. I'm wondering if I can even submit work to Computer Music with my current modus. Must post more mp3s.
Things have never made me happy. The pursuit of things has always seemed pretty hollow to me. But in the course of adventuring I accumulate. And what I can do with them does give me pleasure. So why accumulate gold? It gives me a visceral pleasure, holding it, looking at it. I hope that it is not too nasty a pleasure. I see it as a hedge of last resort, but I am not trying to be greedy. I would have traded it all for Carmella to be well. That is, of course, preposterous. I have to die too. I don't expect you to give up your gold, your stocks, your real estate or your synthesizers to prevent it.
Why, I hear your thoughts, am I suffering away in NYC? I like nice people. I like sky. I like wild animals besides pigeons and rats. Not much of any of these here. Well, the nice people thing is an essay in and of itself. More a book which I am hardly qualified to write. I will say that personality is a product of environment, literally. And this environment is not conducive to pleasant personalities. I am here for the thrill of it. Yes, the money's good but we've already covered that. I'm an experience junkie at the moment. So much happens so fast here; I worry that I am bored elsewhere. And if you care to poke around a bit you can see elsewhere what I think of being bored.
Why, I know you wonder, do I dwell on so many bad things? Death, pain, evil, suffering... why not look on the bright side of life? Well, actually I do. There is a bright side to death, just as some people's idea of good is other's of evil; and they are both right. I like a little pain now and then myself, and how can you recognize pleasure if you've never suffered anyway? So I love life. But I don't need to deny its horror to do so.
These are all great questions and thanks for asking. But you might as well ask why I fall in love with beautiful women. No good ever comes of that either. It's just what I do. It needs doing and here I am.