Carmella is dead. Amazing how big a whole in one's life a dog leaves. No more necessity for walks. No one waiting at home for me. Is that silly? Life is. Heartbreaking too. I've loved and lost many women since Carmella came into my life. Emptiness there too, yes. But unconditional love? No, that was my dog.
Brain tumor took her. Specifically I had to have her put to sleep. Sucked. Cried. Some tough guy. I'd held her head through enough seizures to have an idea what was at stake. We had a nice trip to the neurologist, did I write about that? I don't read back often. A thickening novel, here. Non-fiction, alas, my dog really is gone. People are having their heads sawn off, african genocide rages again and I'm crying for my dog. Well, that is human experience. Experience is relative. What else is news?
I confessed to A. I'm back in touch with P. Nanny died. Certainly a sadder event than Carmella, no? My grandma, exeunt. Well, except that she made it to 93. And she got to see her great-grandchildren, and I got to see her. See what happens when I don't keep this up? Death and transfiguration. I saw her, next day she was in the hospital for the last time. Why must I keep thinking 'perspective'? Is that my coping mechanism? Why so dark, asked J. Not worth responding. JW and I argue all the time, it's wonderful. I hope he does well. Why is SM a qualification for my women? He feels it limits me. Sure it does. Also prevents trauma and boredom. Long way from Nanny to that, eh? Not really. She was a grandma. Any girls, she asked. Heh heh. I loved Nanny alot, I have much thinking to do before I speak regarding her. The memorial is inevitable. Sometime this summer, fall at the latest, when the P's get back from Ireland. Can I speak of my grandma without bringing up my dog? Should I? What of loss?
I never had A. A driving loss of my life. Far from requited, but exhumed at least. It can now rot in the open, perhaps that love can nourish other things now. I never expected to speak to P again. How easy it all is. -I'll be there, want to get together? !sloth is in stasis. I'll write the liner notes M, but what about the art? And the mastering's too soft and and and... A lot of work went into confronting my feelings about A, and exploring them. How much damage have I done other relationships wanting her? So funny, so foolish. I must write more. I need an audience to make it feel worthwhile, exhibitionist I. So humor me. Come back and read. I'll come back and write. While I can.