I can't remember whether I finally broke it off then made the tetrazini or the other way around; I'm pretty sure the former. God damn it. How trivial. But it matters because if I'd made it for her everything might have been different. On the other hand, as they are not than so mote it be. It must be so.
Why did I have to see her at Paddles? Horrible. Why did I have to meet her at TES in the first place, at all? I was happy and a. What was I thinking? Why did I go? So lonely? It's ok to be lonely. Never that lonely, I do have friends.
Dear god, please do not make me fall in love with anyone ever again. A is good. Slow dull pain is so preferable to this tearing out of the heart. And I can see so much more clearly, be so much more involved. Wait, complex that; so much more aware. I fall into other people. I must not be poly, all fantasies aside, I fall in too deep.
I mustn't even play again. Playing is sex to me, rather, without sex play is frustration. A tease; why should I? I'll take care of myself, thank you. And then nobody gets hurt. A win all around. Because I'll fall in love again, and I have to give up on finding another who understands commitment like I do. No more pain like this, please.
Would you like some cheese with this whine?
I watched the rally today. I had a PBJ for breakfast, crackers for lunch, samosas (nudge nudge) for supper and I made lemon chicken for dinner.