Life Goes On
Indeed it does. A useful trick is to remember that it will continue to even
after yours ends. This can help one practice humility, it can remind one of the
importance of spiritual practice or it can lead one to eat those friggin' Oreos
now! Regardless I think it's an important exercise. How do you want to be
remembered? Have you made the world a more or less pleasant, or at least
interesting, place for other sentient beings today? Should your projection of
the universe persist into the morrow what do you intend to do with it?
H hurt me three ways when she said I wanted to kill her. First, I don't
want to kill anything. It is even with some regret that I give up on shooing
mosquitos away and slap them, or coaching cockroaches to stay out of my sight
and set traps. Interestingly, we don't seem to have roaches out here in the
country... or they're well behaved. On the other hand, I'm headed to The Land
of Thai for a month and expect my mosquarmic debt to accumulate appropriately.
I really have no desire to end the universe for any being, however sentient.
Secondly I have to live with my Mother's living will. She tried to kill herself
enough times when I was growing up that she now tries to take responsibility
for the way I am. I'll let her take a little but really, no, it's more a
question of excitement and aesthetics that led to my third point. But to finish
the second: we all made considerable effort to convince her to hang around. As
her nervous system continues to fail we have less and less right to do so. I'm
trying to sell her on the idea of a brain-computer interface but failing that I
expect to have some real responsibility, in decision making at least, for the
death of someone I love very much. Dad has the same paper of course but in his
case, well he appears to be the same miraculous ox as his father before and his
son after. We'll die with our boots on methinks. So, the third point. If I
wanted H dead she would be. That was my response to her and I missed her
mumbled reply but let me just unpack what I said so you can appreciate my
sickness. Several times I held her life in my hands. That used to be one of my
things. Enjoyed it very, very much. So much that I now feel pretty comfortable
saying it's in the past. We perfected perfection, I don't believe that I can
ever hope to repeat the performance. But it is painfully obvious that I didn't,
don't and won't want to kill. Saying otherwise is simply hurtful. But there are
a few of us that might classify her an emotional sadist.
So everything has fallen into place again. It's ridiculous, I don't
deserve it, my gratitude toward the universe is unending. The move will
doubtless be torture with sciatica and 100 pounds of baggage but M is going to
be in LoS at the same time I am. I'll prolly stay with him as I have no idea
how the S project is really going or if it requires my involvement anymore.
Speaking of S projects, it appears I've lost L. This work is mainly a reminder
to me what happened when, don't expect to understand it without a secret
decoder ring. But I'll tell you straight, my newest heartbreak is that I
suspect that I no longer have any reason to return to China.