This is it
All of it
And nothing more I fear
I've done my best
So now I'll rest
Alone, without you dear
I cannot remain
Nor raise the slain
There's nothing for me here
Corruscating across
The water, light's not lost
Merely shattered by my tears
I walked up Beacon Hill
With a bag that weighed too much
I regreted the fact that I smoke
Less because it is killing me
Than the inconvenience
The trees thought they could bloom
But the snows fell again
Why don't you make yourself comfortable
So we can kill you
Your dreams are charming
Your innocence disarming
Your naivete alarming
They are, pardon my french, screwed
And the beautiful old buildings
Stand mute and do not testify
Unless they burn
I walked down again
She didn't need my support
But I was happy to offer it
She has a new book coming out
Her work is more pleasant than mine
But she calls me healer
That perception real or
Have I fooled wisdom's vision
To heal you must cut
No if's and's or but's
This is not derision
Really I love
Don't feel above
If I must make incision
So I fall
This is all
I honor your decision
Congratulations my young friend!
You win, the competition is over
I am impressed by your drive to succeed
And I withdraw
I see how important it is to you
And it is not at all important to me
So collect the prize, whatever that may be...
The fair maiden's hand or a quick trip to hell...
Is there a difference?
It was not for lack of trying
I did try, just not as desperately
I lack your conviction in fact I am not
At all convinced
That any of this was real
Or worth the battle, I fought in jest
To keep my time from idling
And to see if my suspicion was true that
You are indeed the best
Or that at least you bear that all-important component
The belief that you are
My beliefs are few and far between these days
I do feel old
As if I had any right to call you young
Certainly I am not old as in an old soul
I would not have come back, I have nothing to teach
Anyone else, no fire no grace
I would step off this wheel
The only structure I know is chaos
The only compassion cruelty
The only life is death to feel and really feel it
Would fain go home
If I knew where that was
No heaven for me no rest, of course
To believe as I believe
I really see no point in playing as quite honestly I
want
You to win anyway
There is no reality higher than that which I represent
There is no reality higher than that which I represent
There is no reality higher than that which I represent
Nor you in fact
So thrive my friend, call me enemy
If that gives you strength
Your blows to me quite honestly are less than
Insect bites, so pray injure on
If that makes you feel good
You deserve to win
Your passion is beautiful
And I do not invalidate it whatsoever with
My tepidness
I am not your fault, find greater conquest
Let me have been your training ground
An early notch for your belt
Your record shall indeed be legendary
And you exemplary
All my words have failed
Forever and I know that
Far far greater poets have written of
Far greater things
But credit me this as you wend your way successful
I try while I can and my death
Eternal is an ocean to your continent
A valley to your mountain, and what good such excellence
With nothing to compare?
I am only sorry
That you could vanquish me but once
I am stll a loser and
You a winner
And it shall always be so
A constant certainty
An axiom, a given, a known quantity
Accepted truth, fact and basic reality at least
In our relationship
For I do fear I have been a challenge inadequate
To truly prepare you for what comes next
For, believe it or not, understand it or not
I have been there
And this is why I am so tired
Your juvenile posturing will avail you little
I am genuinely sorry you didn't take time to listen
As soft I whispered and tried to warn
-My defeat becomes yours
Lie to anyone
Idiotic enough
To believe your noise
It has helped me get over you
It has helped me get over her
It has helped me be free
Your lying is more pitiful
Than anything I have
Ever done, or will ever
And I have been pitiful indeed
Pitiable, pathetic
And yes, too proud
So do what you must
In order to feel better
About your sorry self
But may I humbly suggest
That you start praying now
That you never need my mercy, compassion nor understanding.
well
I do see how you are
far, far more clearly than you can ever see yourself
again
there is no such thing as a wasted life
everyone is equally innocent
please don't lie anymore
I can't get up
not that kind of lie, damn you!
All the same
I can not get up
I would be sorry
I swear on all that is holy
I would get up and face the truth
But I am not at all
well
isn't this a pretty picture?
somewhat self-consistent at any rate
if entirely objectively ridiculous
open your mind, open your heart
while you still can
Slam! They are closed
it is never too late until someone dies
Pinched shut like my eyes
Slam! My mind and heart are closed to you
Because I KNOW a truth
Slam! Which happens not to be true
Get over it, get over it
Slam! While we throw you down the
The words ooze across the paper
Like stench laden puss from an infected wound
The dead cells must make room for the living
It doesn't stop because it shouldn't
It doesn't stop because it can't
The words float on the letters
Like the yellowed dead skin on a severe bruise
Before it sloughs
Revealing pain and horror
Revealing new life
If I have anything to teach you
It is that nothing in this universe
Is as ugly
As you think I am
The words subtly shift color
Like the mottled flesh of a putrid corpse
Clear enough?
You're not smiling anymore
Where's my knife?
The words defeat themselves
Like some mad, cannabilistic maggots
Obscuring themselves
Erasing themselves
Eliminating themselves
Don't mess with me
I am following the words
Like so many earnest fools before
Please show mercy
I am not ready to die
No mommy, no, you can't leave
I need you mommy, you know it's so
Please don't go
Did you hear me say get used to it?
Well, get used to it
Our leaving is incessant
How am I supposed to even live without you Mommy?
You gave me this life shit
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with it?
Her mother left us not long ago
Too many cigarettes
Wonder what I'll get
Stop it mommy, don't do that
That's no one's decision to make on their own
How could you consider leaving me alone?
I have no right to say anything
For I understand nothing
Of suffering
Oh mommy, why do we even have to live
If this is all there is here
They are not like we're
You are very strong, possibly the strongest woman alive
Very fast, very tough
Still not strong enough
Mommy, I'm sorry I'm a faggot
You know it's nothing you did
I'm one weird kid
You are so much more understanding of my strange kinks
Than I ever wanted you to be
Of what I prayed you'd never see
Mommy fight, mommy fight, mommy fight, mommy fight
As if I need to tell that to you
After what I put you through
Should understanding elude me forever
I will still believe that what I heard
Has everything to do with what you meant
When in fact I s'pose it really doesn't
I'll try to stop obsessing o'er what was or wasn't
If you'll just explain where that open grave went
Please say some magic words
Or come 'gain, never
I do I do I do assimilate the letters
I burn your words here, across my mind
I believe I understand, I believe I understand
I list'n as closely as the storm permits, allows
I could never break the last of solemn vows
But your words leave me hardly a man
Watch the ghost emerge, unwind
As I happily don again my fetters
There is no sound on earth
Like the sound after a battle
I thank god I only know it secondhand
If ever
I were forced to face it in person
Then I would regret my birth
I should think by now
That we have enough living veterans
To bear witness
That war
Is not a worthwhile pursuit
Why is it allowed?
Men will fight you know
Testosterone can wreak powerful destruction
If we allow it to
Not one life is worth
The name of a nation
Lest a speck of ego
Damn the generals to hell
Damn the generals to hell
Damn the generals to hell
They're already there
They must believe that they are
To act so unwell
Don't go rumble tonight
Stay home young man
Your pride is worth anything but that
Your mind is not so weak
That you must resort to that
You do not need to fight
What have you done?
What are you doing?
She has it so much worse than me
so much worse than almost anyone reading this
ever
how many strokes is one person supposed to live through?
O god!
Cut it out!
Lay off it!
We get the message!
Enough!
You win.
My own petty pains
pale to total, utter insignificance
I have only ever broken my own heart
Although I have done that well
too well
It hurts it hurts it hurts I love I love I love
But I understand if she doesn't want to live
so long as she understands
why I don't want to live
just take it less seriously
Because
o god
I do still love you and hope
But she doen't seem to anymore
and I think that she is not alone
not at all unique in that
But very nearly unique
in size and weight
of suffering
A lesson to anyone who will learn
but the answers are all
just more questions
Why o god, why?
Why do your creatures suffer so?
How can there always be a tear
in every eye?
There is no succor?
None whatsoever?
O god
your creature is suffering
How will we ever
cry enough?
May I now please take a rest
As I have done all that I can for you?
I'll no longer beat my breast
And I'll no longer pretend to know what's true
Pay no tribute to what went before
I just don't care that much anymore
I wish I could have done for you
I wish my fire burnt in your breast
But it seems nothing we said was true
It seems that we both failed that test
Do not cry for our failing score
I just don't care that much anymore
Rail against that dying ember in the west
Howl that the light should abandon you
I will do what I can I most humbly attest
As long as you don't put your other foot in that same
shoe
Don't expect to sail to foreign shore
I just don't care that much anymore
I did mean to tell you something I knew
I meant to take you there, and lest
You disbelieve me, here's a clue
I gave my love, I'm now bereft
There's nothing deeper than the core
I just don't care that much anymore
Not that I love you any less
If indeed I still love you
Just see the eternity in that cleft
And laugh because life's sprung anew
I've sung this song too oft before
I just don't care that much anymore
And what is love, what does it do?
And what remains if nothing's left?
Was it love that died then grew?
Was it love that left this mess?
I never guessed we'd be so poor
I just don't care that much anymore
One bone in hand, a certain heft
Another act, one day to rue
This game's stakes outweighed petty chess
But I see that's all it meant to you
Don't bother me with idle roar
I just don't care that much any more
So take gray skies and paint them blue
And I will all your doings bless
But no more will I die for you
And no more do I play the pest
Enough of blood and guts and gore
I just don't care that much anymore
My own deeds are no longer blessed
I'm happy my goodwill rides with you
The savage soul feels no unrest
It's done what you said it must do
The tears please politely ignore
I just don't care that much anymore
Tell tell tell tell tell tell tell
You need to know where they fell
Or at least you need to know
If what I have to tell you is what you'd like me to show
Words words words words words words words
Failing language does preturb
No seemless surface this now
I will explain what I need to explain some way somehow
Speak speak speak speak speak speak speak
Perhaps I've had what you seek
Maybe it's gone, maybe not
You try to stay with me and we will see just what I've
got
Sing sing sing sing sing sing sing
Any succor I may bring
Stands as nothing next to that
All will fall and it must before we can see where it's
at
Talk talk talk talk talk talk talk
I'll show you outlines in chalk
I will show you broken words
So we can never break these earthly bonds to soar like
birds
Write right write right write right write
Say that we may speak tonight
Or give up words, give up faith
Struggle on as I have done so many times, find a place
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All work © 1992-2003 Matthew A Mairs