But it just sounded funny
In fact we made a joke of it
Ignoring any deeper connotation
We passed it off

I have already told you
What I could do for you
What I could have done
Would do for anyone

The only reason
That I am such an expert in loss
Is that I have experienced
So much of it

I would not threaten you
I will not berate nor coerce you
I merely tell you what is
If you feel trapped or angry, that's you

I have nothing to prove
Because I have nothing
There
It's proven

He hit me
Got in my face, belligerent
But when I told him to step aside
He stepped aside

This angst is very real
No more juvenile posturing
No more self-pity
No more than appropriate

I want to share with you
It genuinely pains me that I cannot
I want so to show you
How all things are one

So pity that poor madman
Who in thinking we were demons
Killed several thousand of our innocent
And made a demon of himself

It's quite alright to be angry
Perhaps our greediness is demonic
God know our insensitivity is
It well fits the definition

But it isn't alright to kill women
It isn't alright to kill children
If you want to fight a war
You should fight the soldiers

If these odds are too unfair for you
Feel free to get creative
Our own state was formed under terrible odds
Do I need to tell you?

For I cannot tell you anything
That you are not prepared to hear
I cannot show you anything
That you are not prepared to see

I am not interested in competing
So when you told me that I'd lose
If I tried
You were right

But I beg to disagree
When you told me poems
Should touch everyone
You were wrong

And you are expert, actually
Well trained and one might think
That your work would do as you described
But think about it

I cannot show that little blind girl
Green
I cannot make my songs beautiful
To the deaf

So instead I watch it collapse
It is so beautiful
As it is horrible
As it must be

Then who watches the watcher?
Who hopes for the hopeless?
Who'll hold my hand
When I get them in trouble

For the mark of my friends
Is that I get them in trouble
Sorry to say that if I haven't got you in trouble
You aren't my friend

Brutally blunt?
Not so if you think about it
We're all in trouble
We're all friends

But I don't mind a little shock
I don't mind a little conflict
But I'd rather be alone
Than like that all the time

Because before I get you in trouble
You can rest quite assured
I will do the same for myself
I'm in trouble right now

So I'll go be alone again
Thanks for listening
I trust you got out of it
Whatever you were prepared to

They say it can only hurt so much
I no longer believe them

Don't feel like pouring my guts out to an empty room anymore
Feel like leaving
All people suck

Mean people are mean because of their situations
There are no nice people

Don't feel like pouring my life's blood on the hard, uncaring ground today
Feel like crying
Don't want to smile at this tragedy anymore

But I love it here, this is my place
Don't want to have to leave town

Don't feel like having to think about what an ogre they think I am for things I haven't done today
Feel like flying
No more up, I guess I should leave

If one person believed in me
I would have to stay

Don't feel like watching my faith in humanity's humanity ground mercilessly further into the abrasive ground today
Want to talk Sartre with an old friend
Not gonna happen?

Don't misunderstand, there are new friends, even a few old
There's just no valid explanation for this animosity

Don't feel like quite literally and in so many ways dropping these once precious seeds on the unfeeling dirt today
These lessons are too hard
Please, too hard

But I see them killing for very bad ideas in Kosovo
I guess I shouldn't bitch, they're not physically killing me

Don't feel like waving my tiny fist in the air and screaming into the emptiness of what love could be or could have been today
Why don't I just leave you alone forever now?
Why don't I just let you make your own way, all of you

I have ideas, every one wrong
Why you didn't listen to the song

Don't feel like hearing how -we're not saying anything concrete , but someone did it, and aren't I just the type today?
I wish I could go everywhere that I wanted to go
Why do people believe lies, make them central to their lives?

I should go, I should go, I should go
When I left I obviously did not go far enough

Don't feel like having to wonder whether this person believes absolute bullshit about me or not today
-He hurt me, he hurt me, he hurt me
That much is true

I can only be sorry for what I have done
Isn't that awful enough?

Don't feel like pretending that any of this is acceptable human behavior today
Feel like singing
Sad songs, about how fucked up we all are

What I did do is unspeakable, do not hesitate to condemn me
But please try to stick with what I've done

Don't feel like suffering quite this much anguish for my art today
Feel like copping out
No rest for the wicked

Nothing truly is sacred
And we are all in deep shit

Don't feel like seeing how callous and unfeeling we are today
Feel like sleeping
I am exhausted, please put out the sun

Can any of us lie like that?
Are we all so lost?

Don't feel like breathing today
Pointless
And counter-productive

People all have the potential to be pretty shitty
I will stop loving you as soon as I can

For all I know you threw that rock
Chess player
And if you want to pretend
You know anything about me
The least little thing about what I have done
Or why I have done it
Then you'd better get this fucking straight
I could
Never
Throw a rock through someone's window
So sad

Quite honestly I wish I had that power
I wish I was passive aggressive
Instead of just so plain fucking passive
I wish dramatic action of any sort
Were permitted me
See that it is not
Please see that it is not and you are wrong
Before you damn yourself
Any further
Believe that I still love you because it's true
Believe

I can't help you
I'm so sad, so many bitter tears
I can't help you at all
Even though I so desperately wanted to
There is nothing for me to do here
Your lies
Preclude
The possibility of any involvement in your lives
Why do you have to say that?
Why is it impossible for you to understand that I could never
Do that?

Fuck it
No more tears
I have no interest in fixing you
You're your own god-damned problem now
Literally
Damn yourselves with your own lying tongues
See if I give a shit
Pour the dharma on thick and rich
Lie to support your insane lie
Sink straight
To hell

So tell me chess-player
You can be honest with me
There is nothing left for you to steal
And I want nothing you have
So you can tell me the truth
Did you throw that rock?
Did you play her that well?
I maintain
That in my most open and honest heart I do
Not care
Merely curious

Are you that good a chess player?
Do you see the world as your board?
Do you see the pieces without emotion?
Please tell me
Did you arrange
A situation which quite literally
Eliminated me in every way
I ask because it was so well done
I am having a great deal of difficulty believing
It was an accident
No accidents

Am I as wrong as you?
Do you get the joke?
Do you appreciate the utter powerlessness
When people believe lies
About you?
I think not
I think that you are incapable of reversible thinking
Consider well
Your constant maintenance of my
Immaturity
And why it is so crucial to you

Regardless, I live
And those who care to know me know
I could never do what you claim I have done
And I pray that their love
Diminishes you
As you have diminished me
Live your lie
Pull as many innocents into it as you can
It does not change the objective fact
That it is
A lie

I know one thing
When they put me in the ground and pile it over me
I will still know the truth
No matter how many minds you've poisoned
With your evil crap
I will still know the truth
No matter if I am the last man leaving
Who believes in me
I will still know the truth
You cannot make me
What I am not

So let's leave it, shall we?
Let's agree to disagree
You can say I'm some kind of mad, immature, passionate monster
And I can say you're a lying sack
Of shit
You need nothing from me
I need nothing from you
So so what if we find one another dispicable?
I'll pretend that I could
Care less
The nature of a lie is that it break reality

Regardless of whether you threw that rock
Or paid someone to throw it
Chess player
Or even if it was some too weird concidence
I know
Who's innocent
And when I hear how badly I have behaved
I will remember that they are very likely regurgitating your lies
And laugh
At least as much as I have cried
Let us pray

If the whole thing could just stop
It should
If we could take it from the top
It'd be good
If just one man could turn back the clock

She's gone into overtime
She no longer sees her crime
Her mind is now so rich with excuses
She won't e'en complete the rhyme
Except to glorify his myriad abuses
She will accept primordial slime
After all, it has its uses

If I could show my love in your head
I would
If I could stop the wanting to be dead
We all could
If I could only see anything but the red

You know the song is in the singing
That it has been since the beginning
And the function has always been the form
We can tell what it is bringing
We could smell it like a storm
If we can just stop grinning
We'd return to the norm

Forgive the living
It's easy
And just forgiving
Isn't crazy
Now who are you deceiving?

He is absolutely right
In everything he says, might
And the power is admitting powerlessness utter
Shrink forever away from that light
You will please blame the mother
Your existence from her plight
Now are you forever cut off from the other

You will suffer with or without
My love
Should I then point it out
Above
For now must we shout

The written word is profane
Do you hear and speak it's name?
Do you understand what became of the sacred
When exposed to that awful flame?
Can you feel their abject hatred
Directed just the very same
As if it hadn't been faked?

Hold tightly these perfect
Delusions
Do not closely inspect
Confusions
Ever must we redirect

Avoid it which defies description
Try to walk away from sollipsism
It might take you where you least expect you need to go
It's cheaper than that prescription
But she's more like me than you know
Now incapable of eruption
While it's my time to go

If you run the very fastest that
You can
Make it back in no time flat
My man
For you I will touch my hat

But I don't think I'll applaud
As they take a stinking shit on god
As it turns out there's a diff'rence 'tween right and wrong
And most of our brothers and sisters, odd,
Definitely still prefer to get it on
-Check out that bod!
Take what you want

Hole up as long as you can
Don't flich
I might be a man
In a pinch
I couldn't do this if I had a plan

Lust a force, so like heat's eyes
But even the horniest dog never lies
His only wish is that they get on with it
It is not necessary to apologize
If they are indeed adequate
He might well get wise
Before the end of it

Brutally laid off at twenty-four
Still alive
Molested at eight, cuckolded
At twenty-five
One-time nice-guy

I will find the words, not here, not yet
First I must dump much blood, tears, sweat
I promise that I will find a language that bridges this gap
I promise then that we will be well met
I might even ask you to sit on my lap
If I may again be innocent
One hand will clap

with imminent destruction inevitable
our choice is ever clear
to reach still further after the ineffable
or to cling to that which we hold dear
to make decisions based on fear
will not lead us past impediment

there's no real guarantee that we're
even past ignoble sentiment
a lie, mistruth, a slander hear
and know the cause deeply regrettable
to live or die, inconse quential
away from all that seemed so requisite

freedom is an awful thing
to shirk promised responsibilities
don't ask him how it feels
he's made an idiot of himself in the opposite extreme
but some things cannot be done
and some realities are impossible

remembering that this death knell
is the birth pains of the uninhibited
green so beautiful it slaps the mind
miracle of life unbounded
holiness in lustful abandon
there is no cause to be angry

-I've been where you are, she said
but it really wasn't true
because, I hope you realize
noone's been where you are but you
but she didn't have a clue
so said what she said instead

-don't you see he's wrong, he said
if only he knew right from wrong
there'd have been a different ending to his song
but for what is let no tear be shed
at least let it not go on too long
and when it's gone admit it's gone
 

it isn't necessary to find a solution
if the current situation is acceptable
suffering is struggle's companion
there is no reason to fear release
and while there are pains far more fearsome
we can't allow ourselves to be held ransom

so let her walk through that awful beauty
don't tell her she's shirking some duty
she is doing that which she would do
and he should too, but that's nothing new
it's certain that he's proving some kind of a point
if only, if only, if only we knew

should I have blinded myself staring into the sun?
I saw what was and I chose the path of self-preservation
there are times when choices are most limited
they might boil down to one
and while I'll certainly indulge conversation
I can't apologize for what I've done

give him all you can
and know that you will not be thanked
so give some more until there's nothing left to give
until there's nothing
that's the way to treat a man
so long as you both shall live

take her where she needs to go
and don't waste a lot of time
maybe we shouldn't assume you know
how much of that was mine
and we no longer shine
or just the faintest glow

should I have blinded myself staring into the dawn?
I very much wanted to exist but I did ask if all possibility were gone
there are times when potentialities collapse
the singularity's on
what is is, so I grasp at nothing for too damn long
when I'm told that this is all
 

I have discovered the meaning of life
but I'm not allowed to tell it to myself
instead I am imprisoned in this tower
I watched them take my children, wife
and all to which I'd attached my power
and now I will share the secret not even I know

I watch the clouds roll in over the mountain
and I watch them roll back out again
I watch the storms build and bu ild
until a wet explosion tears the air
I suck in as much as I'm allowed
and I, at least, am grateful for this fountain

I watch the tide build up the waves
I get to see the ocean walking in
I know it has to go back out again
but for now I admire the smell of the spray
it's listening to anything I might have to say
and this sorry madman quietly raves

they have imprisoned my body
for something I didn't do
when they let me walk as a free man
while my sins were much darker
now I don't expect them to release me
but I still do what I can

I am not saddened
in my head I am free
if only I could remember
the knowledge for which they've incarcerated me
not that it really matters
I'm not the only one slightly maddened

I will watch the sunrise
I will watch it if it means that I never watch anything else ever again
I will see the dawn with my own eyes
I can't just listen
I have to see
if it does finish me
 

get while the getting is good, gentlemen
howl out into the frozen night
but don't expect too much from yourselves
if that's all you're going to ask
if there is no wrong or right
then what you've done is fine

and don't cry about crumbling towers
if this is how your community takes care of its members
he's sure he'd just as soon find another
and he wishes you wouldn't blame him
huge castles have fallen to ruins in his past
but he didn't kill your flowers

self-pity is the most pointless of all possible feelings
if your situation warrants pity
perhaps you should change it
and since you are the only one that can
self-pity seems pretty stupid
but calling someone stupid probably doesn't help their healing

what words to choose to say the things
that must but cannot be said
what tools to use to build the thing
to save their precious love
of all things held above
it almost makes him want to sing

get all that you can gentlemen
let conscience neither cripple you
nor be your guide
the end justifies the means
whatever the hell that means
and you deserve your woeful pride

she could have had anything that she had wanted
but she didn't know what she wanted
and all of that, so highly vaunted
seems wraithish now and she is haunted
illusions pierced, completely daunted
-was this the place so proudly flaunted?

all, it appears, is not well
why is this?
haven't events been allowed to run their own course?
certainly the situation has not suffered from his interference
he's downright phobic
he now believes in hell

given that love is good
she builds a fantastic tapestry
with a simple assumption or two
she makes her universe make sense
stitches up a couple of rents
does what she thinks he wants her to

should anyone ever attempt to deny
that the better part of the grievance is a lie
there's a simple way to the truth
we've all known it since youth
here it comes, here's the secret:
open your eyes

whereas the parties of the aforementioned
have participated in the damnation of the undersigned
let it be publicly known and stated
what is irretrievably broken may be abandoned
and you can't excuse your own bad behavior
by losing your mind

-who's going to finish off the madman in the tower?
-who's got the guts?  who's got the power?
-his own magic is pretty much gone
-it's not nearly as dangerous as it might once have been
you should go do it, you damn passive crowd
it should be your names on his dying lips aloud

get used to the sight of tarnished beauty
get used to rust and rot
it's all I've got
and there's really only one guarantee
and it is not
that any man will do his duty
 

I prayed for thirty weeks
I cried most nights myself
I'm told you cried
I don't remember that
I don't understand
why our memories are different

I knew we needed help
I knew that without help we would founder
so I watched us founder
and sink
I came up here voluntarily
you've just locked me in

what part of
-I'll never want to see you or talk to you again
don't you understand?
I would hate to make it a threat
I generally try to do
what I say I'm going to

how dare you accuse me of this?
this is a genuine travesty!
how dare you even think it's possible?
what have I ever done to you?
assassin!  assassin!
how can you do this?

what have you done?
I appear to be finished
shall I take my final aria now?
is there any chance he'll love me now?
dear god, now that you say that I have done this
is there any chance he'll love me now?

prayers only determine what happens to you
they don't necessarily affect other people
but sometimes others will do for you
I will, I promise, I meant to
will wonders never cease?
thanks for the release
 

every epic needs an epilogue
and this is that
by way of ultimate sum
the piece has become
a bit of old hat
his corny parting monologue

but at least we're rid
of what we did
and now we can do more
life sprouts anew
don't be sore
if you knew what was in store

self-righteousness is inexcusable
nobody is better than anybody else
some people do do some very strange things
b ut if we protect ourselves adequately
we'll see something different growing
some culpability is irrefutable

every road needs traffic
or it gets overgrown
and there isn't a road there anymore
nature will heal
it has been shown
it is quite real

some things can't live anymore
some times the life is used up
you certainly haven't done anything wrong
because there isn't any such thing
sorry it took so long
but you may now appreciate the depth of the cut

the tower is silent, its stillness incontrovertible
the storms roll in, the tides roll out
nothing is lost but a few tears
and the love and respect of his friends and peers
let's forgive one another if we're a little irritable
the truth is not always palatable

All work © 1999-2003 Matthew Mairs

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