How embarassing would it be if we got back together? Well, the good thing about being me is that I rarely say anything I'd want to take back. So here it remains for now...
Not that you'll read it. Not that you could if you wanted to. But karma must out. And some readers have wondered, have you not? Not much about my love life in the past three years' blog, naw? Well, I understand now it hasn't exactly been a love life. I think I can sell the spiciest bits to penthouse or the like but let's satisfy curiosities for free. If your new customers want to help translate you might learn a little something too. And if it prevents anyone else enduring this heartbreak maybe that's a little more good karma for me.
Last few blogs referred to the fact that I married a whore. We'll get a little more specific here. I want to believe the best of people. I want to think right, speak right and do right. I am a bad buddhist but a buddhist I am. Here's yet another page on that. I want to believe that you're selling yourself for the family, that you have a conscience, that your life may be good. What little I know concerns me. Here's some:

******* Matt Mairs to Supaporn show details Jan 12 Remember I left the house so I could sleep; it was impossible with you coming home at 200. Remember I did not have a new girlfriend until weeks after you got a new boyfriend. In fact I'd saved enough money to buy you a ticket to America. See how stupid Matt is? At the airport I said you had three months to show how you love me. I see. I've waited over a month for you to calm down. Now you love another. Remember I love you. Bon chance, Matt Supaporn Keawnin to mmairs show details Jan 23 (5 days ago) Reply thank you, for send email. to me. and thank for you love me, yes ! now I have new boyfriand. I tak with myfriand about you. and your sex. you not same another Man. I can't stay with you. you not good sex. you can look new lady. you not wait me. I have new boyfriend. hem love me. and I love hem, you not wait me matt. I not love you. I don't like your sex. I want man good sex not bad sex. if you good sex we can stay together. but! you can't do Matt. how i love you ? many peper tell me. I yong lady I can look new man. now I meet hem. we have sex together. not with to me Matt. Chicken, talk straight. The last time we had sex you said 'good idea'. Many times you said this. The truth is you want money. I understand you are a whore and that you never loved me. That's OK. You say you know buddhism. Then you know buddhism doesn't say whores are bad. I was a whore for ten years myself. But it does say stealing is bad, so don't steal from your new boyfriend. And it does say that lying is bad, so stop lying about sadism. You can call me a pervert, that is correct. But don't pretend you hated it, remember I was there too when you finished 15 times. Tell the truth, make good karma. Don't worry, I stopped waiting after New Year's. I give you the same love buddha says we must give all sentient beings. And I wish you luck because you will need it so long as you keep lying and stealing. Matt ******

We're both a little harsh, mai penrai, I do believe you're suffering some emotional pain too and I know I am. But I also know 'I' am not. Quick plug for meditation here kiddies, first know thyself. In three years I don't think you learned anything from me but how to use a vibrator. Does that belong on the risque page? I think not. O the tales I must tell. But for now believe I am heartbroken and humiliated. Heartbroken because I believed you weren't a bar lady, believed we could have a life. What we had was occasionally heaven. But mostly not and rather expensive as whores go. And humiliated for the exact same reasons. How could I be so stupid?
Let me tell you a bit about myself, it may be news, it may be shocking, it may be old hat. Do you know anything about me? I like to tell the truth. I am a pervert. I am not a sadist. I have friends who are, they would not count me among their number. I had a girlfriend who is a masochist and a part of our failing was that I wasn't comfortable giving pain. In fact, on that spectrum I'm more of a masochist myself. If you couldn't tell from the objectively self-destructive behavior of marrying a bar girl. This act itself could be construed as self-destructive. My kink is bondage and that is against the letter of the law in Thailand. And it's certainly going to hurt to bring this all up. Catharsis? Possibly. Certainly I hope to hook some audience for the philosophy, some for the porn. Some say I can write. I'm purt near broke and I don't want to go back to consulting, gots to try.
Why do I care if you call me a sadist? Two reasons. One, I love language and you are using it incorrectly. Two, it hurts my heart that you should believe, or lead anyone else to believe, that I enjoy inflicting pain. That is what the word means. From the French madman Marquis de Sade. If anyone enjoyed inflicting pain in our relationship, believe, it wasn't I. All that abuse over Cher staying in touch. Very clear now, yes. Well, understand that Cher will read this. And I would remind her, and you, I do not blame, I'm not terribly bitter if one honestly considers your behavior, I had a pretty nice ride and take full responsibility. And I could not be where I am without having gone through that.
But I want this simple fact understood. Whatever I may be, sadist, satanist or aardvark, it was fine so long as I was giving you lots of money. Remember, my behavior hasn't changed in three years. Yet suddenly, last December when I told you we MUST take care of the money, I became a sadist. Do you really not understand what that means? It is so simple I cannot explain it. It is a pure matter of definition. Black is dark, water is wet, a person who takes money for sex, especially when they don't enjoy it, is a whore.

Do not suppose that I think myself immune to karma. The sciatica is an ever-present reminder that I could have done better. Our failure came from both of us, but I am solely responsible for my life. I endured very unpleasant times with you for what I have done, what I am doing and for what I will do. I understand I really did hurt you. Understand I am really very sorry, it was never my intention. But also understand that I don't want you in my life either. We engaged in that very exercise, yes. Did I love you or sex? Well, I still love you because I'm obligated but I find you neither nice nor interesting. The litany of abuse will become its own page I think, but here're a few. Making fun of me with your friends because you thought I didn't understand Thai, always accusing me of infidelity while it's fairly well-known that isn't in my make up, when it has, in fact, proven to be in yours and the myriad little details like the day you said we'd go to the hospital to have my back looked at when you instead went to the gym. My life is more pleasant without you. I genuinely hope yours is as well:

****** I love myboyfriend. now we love everyday. and verylove verylove, I know hem do love me so much. hem call me 8 time for a day. hem like do take care me. I can't stop love hem. I do love hem not hem money. I do don't want money now. I want hem. chicken, Very good. I'm happy for you. Treat him better than you treated me and he will treat you better than I treated you. ******

Your most interesting comments to me are that you 'love hem not hem money' yet 'hem like do take care me'. I've seen the new gold. And you know how much I am not telling here. Prove you don't care about money and show some honor then. You know the doctors want to operate. Why not help out your old friend Matt? Yes, I am laughing.

But never assume the joke's over. It goes on as long as we live. Here's another punchline:

****** I hope you get new lady soon. and hope too. she is know you better. yes! I never love you Matt. I know you a good man. but ! I don't love you seme times I try do love you. but! I don't love you. sorry. chicken,
******

'Nuf said?